bad mood...

sigh.... feel bad....

suffering...

if i tell you i had lost my SPM Sijil, who among you will believe in me? to be very honest, i did lose my SPM Sijil... so now for my application of OPEN UNIVERSITY will be harder, as i need to go to Kementerian Peperiksaan Malaysia in Putrajaya to get a new 1... how ar.....?

wanna cry, everytime like this, when i need something, i must have dropped it somewhere or lost it. now, again!! wanna cry ar...

application for OPEN UNIVERSITY...

i was thinking to continue my studies in marketing... i tried to approach few colleges about distant learning... i asked ah lai for suggestions, he told me if i enrol in colleges, it's kinda like wasting time and money. ah lai advised me to go with Uni. ah lai is taking Master in Marketing in UM. i never knew ah lai is taking course in Uni. OMG!! i never imagined that i would go apply for uni in my entire life. but after listening to those colleges's courses, i had to admit that i need to take course in Uni as colleges don't provide Distant Learning... so, i tried to apply from UM, as they have Sales and Marketing Course. but it is so bad, because they don't have distant learning... fortunately that nice girl advised me to approach Open Uni... hmmmm... i called, they do have distant learning, but they don't have Sales or Marketing course. they only Diploma in Management. so, i applied for this course. they have marketing, but only degree in Marketing and they need 5 yrs working experience.. i only have 3 yrs working experience... so i had no other choice... now, i am thinking about this Diploma in Management only. hopefully can get this offer. by the way, i am now rushing my accounting course... i hope can finish this before i go on my Uni course, but it is impossible. as i need to start from the beginning of my course cos we stopped for 6 months already... need to do revision to recall my knowledge for accounting...

When there comes high expectations, disappointments always follows... P2

忽然间，我期待奇迹发生在我身上！我不介意成为懦弱的人，有时懦弱有懦弱的好处，只我之前会觉得不屑而已！现在我终于明白了，人若太坚强，就得自己面对一切！不单只自己的一切，而且还要让朋友依靠；久而久之，朋友、家人就会觉得自己已经够坚强去面对所有了！那时，就算自己就快垮了，大家还是会认为自己可以应付而不会担心或关心！刚开始自己还暗爽，觉得大家都相信自己，但过后就后悔了…原来自己已被遗忘了！自己要面对自己的喜怒哀乐、自己要走过低潮，一切一切都要自己经历！我已经累了，不想再成为一个坚强的人！
　
懦弱的人至少也有朋友一起走出低潮，寂寞时有朋友伸出手等等，这就是我现在需要的！我好想宠容自己不要这么坚强，但是我亲爱的他却永远都那么坚强、特出，我总不能当个窝囊废而让他瞧不起我！我一定要用功！！
　
所以现在我要一边努力地向我的目标前进，一边努力等待奇迹的人！！！

serious thought...

yesterday talked to shin ying in MSN, suddenly i had a very serious thought...

am i right for being like this? do i really have to be like this? am i that cheap? am i doing the right thing? will my ah lai take my seriously? will my ah lai appreciate what have i done for?

who can answer these? only 1 person, not me, but my ah lai! so, to get a satisfied reply, i asked my ah lai... but if i have known the answers, i wouldn't ask my ah lai... because my ah lai gave me the curious answer... but one thing for sure. i am too serious, maybe i should say i am over reacted...

now, i am still left in these bunches of questions... sigh... who can help me? i can, but why am i still stuck in here? because i never want to help myself... shin ying is right...

miracles...

sigh...

why i always start my blog with "sigh"? i myself also don't know... but i always spill my unhappy stuffs here... because i find myself very hard to trust anyone... hmmm... not in the mood to write blog...

When there comes high expectations, disappointments always follows...

“希望越高，失望越高”

曾几何时，我听说过这句俗语，我只嗤了一声，心里想着，如果人没有了希望，哪来那么多奇迹？我们的生活不是充满着希望和奇迹吗？我们也不是等待着奇迹吗？

现在我才明白“希望越高，失望越高”这句话，或许我应该说，体验！我也发现奇迹是在绝望时才会发生的！也只有绝望、无助又懦弱的人才会等待得到奇迹！

我想了想，我还是不要有希望、也不要等待奇迹好了！
　
To be continued...

Why?

我亲爱的，你可知道我是多么的需要你吗？
　
每当我需要你时，你总在忙！从来都没有正视过你对我的重要性！每次我都满怀期望地等待你回复，等着等着，等到我心平静气，还是没有回复，接着我就满怀怒火地发脾气，最后还得低声下气地跟你道歉！你还是没回复……我常常质疑自己，这一切是为了什么？你从没告诉我，我在你心目中的位置，到底算是什么？
　
当你开心时，也是我最开心的时刻了！因为你会说一句淡淡然，而关心我的话！我会为了那句话开心最少三天！可能你会觉得我很夸张，但我告诉你，我的同事总说我很容易满足！我也承认，而我对你的生气，从不会超过一小时！但当你不开心、不理我时，我恨不得一口把你吃下肚子！但我舍不得……

因为……
　
我已无可救药地爱上你了！！

the wheel of fortune works...

though alot of bad things happen lately, last night finally had a good thing happened on me, maybe i shouldn't say last night only... but last night i was too happy till i felt hard to asleep...

hehehehe...

what had happened actually? hmmmm... my ah lai said something which i never expected my ah lai would say it to me... yay!!

thanks...

you will never know, when you had walked out from my life, now my life is only in a mess...

i never wake up at 7.00am anymore,
my phone never receives any messages in the morning anymore,
none will listen to whar i had dane or met in the day anymore,

i miss you, as much as i need you, but will you ever know? i bet you will never know... because you never take me serious... you said you had paid for what had you done, but do you know that, i had paid even more? since after your message, all bad things ssuddenly followed me and made me almost being beaten down! well, i never blame you, because i know we shouldn't cross the borderline... i really know, but i just couldn't help myself from being going to you... really... now, i become more moody... i wish, i never lose you... but wish is always a wish, it helps nothing...

no topic...

feeling everything is going back to its trail now... feeling better... i guess it's because i had a long talk with SY... now refreshed!!

p/s : I wanna name myself as Wiinshen, ok ar?

WhERe aRE YoUR ProMiSeS...

you promised me to take a good care of me... you promised me to look after me as your pet... now you suddenly gone, how about our promises???

when i told you, i am envy with my brother's pet, pong pong, because everyone loves and pampers her. and everyones cares for her. you said, you wanna pet me, wanna take care of me and love me... i said ok... because i really believed in you... and now, suddenly you gone with the wind, what shall i do with all your promises?? what can i do??

after you left, all things came in a mess... my phone is stolen, had big argument wih my dad, a very loyal and sincere friend told me that he lied me since he has known me. and i was acting like an idiot! a damned fool idiot!! i just can't help myself, just exactly as last time!! and this is what shin ying told me before!! "kee wang, when you feel for someone, you will always get yourself into trouble. you never know how to be in the middle!!" i always say, "no, i won't repeat this!!" but everytime, i repeat! see, how useless am i?

now, i don't know how do i really feel... just numb and curiousty...

God, please answer me!!

老天，如果你不帮我也没关系！可是为什么你还要落井下石呢？为什么？？？！！！
难道我就是该死吗？
坏事一件一件的发生！你是怕我崩溃不了吗？？告诉你，我崩溃了！你开心、满意了吗？？
我快放弃了！！

GOD, save me please...

i am sinking, i am choking, i am dying...

oh my Lord, can you please borrow me your helping hand?

i thought you have the biggest love of all?

but why do you leave me in all these pains?

numb...

don't ask me how do i feel now... what i can tell about my feeling now is, NUMB... totally NUMB!! feeling like lost! really! don't ask me why do i feel numb... i have nothing to tell... because i have no mood to tell now, maybe few days later i will get better...

this morning, i was expecting messages from you, from 7am, i waited until 10am... i really hate to admit, but i have to, we are no more friends... we will not hear any ups and downs from each other anymore... i also have place to vomit and spread all my bad emotions... i lost a best ear to listen to my craps... i lost a caring and loving friend... i have no more right to talk to you either... you will not care how am i today... i feel like everything, everything is now a mess... i need you to organise me, to bug me, to mumble me, to scold me stupid and more... but now it's all impossible... IMPOSSIBLE!!

i cried, i hated, i scolded, i begged, i yelled and more, but still, you will not come back to me anymore... you will just go on without me, bugging around you, you may feel released... but for me, i feel bad... because i need someone to mumble me all the time for what i do... but now no more... so bad...

...

i thought i have no demand on you, i really thought!

but now, i realised that, i always want you to be with me, is a demand. i mean, not want you sitting by my side! but just wanna receive your messages daily! but this is also a demand, i didn't realise this! but when you said you wanna walk out from my life, on that moments onwards, i only realised that, this is a demand! really a demand!!

i cried, while i was deleting all your messages from my handphone. i never realised that i relied on you so much! as much as i can't imagine! can you imagine how do i feel now? i guess you won't!! you will never know how i feel for you in the rest of your life! i think you will think i am one of thousands pieces of your puzzles, with or without me, it doesn't even mean anything! but you mean alot to me!

now, no matter how much i say, you will not come back! and i don't want you to feel bad! do you believe in me? i guess you will never...

我的挚爱

我觉得自己被人利用了！但这只是我的直觉，并没有什么证据。
　
我所谓的那个人就是一个我可敬、可亲、可爱的一个人！我可谓是为他做了很多连想都没想过的事！
　
我没想过值得不值得。当时我知道我不应该对他有所要求的，但现在...我控制不了自己，我经常忍不住向他发莫名其妙的脾气！我也常不照顾自己，弄到他担心！我真的不知为什么，真的！
　
如果你看到这篇心情日记，请原谅我的无理取闹！我真的无法不对你动心！你的一切一切总是让我为你痴狂！无可自救地爱上了你了！但是，我知道我们都是不应该这样子的！
　
在此，我唯有祝福你！
　
挚爱的你，请你一定要比我幸福喔！

speechless...

feeling helpless, feeling breathless, feeling useless!!

why do i have to face all these bad feelings? is it because i am a bad guy, then i will have to go through all this bad moments? is it a punnishment? oh my god!! what the bad thing i had done, till You wanna punnish me in this way??

Happiness?

我不知为什么最近我会变得无理取闹！我一直为了小事而大发雷霆啊！我很懊恼！
　
原本以为和祖的那段感情所带来的伤害已经结束了，谁知我到今天还念着他！但是他要的我永远都给不到！永远！而和他在一起应该是很幸福的，都怪我自己不好！除了祖，EK也是让我沉浸在被爱之中！但我还是伤害了他！
　
我这辈子永远都不会忘记这两个人的！

sick?? yeah, i am...

God da**ed!! i am sick!! why am i so weak?? always sick!! shit!!

i wanna recover!! donot wanna get sick!!

i wanna cast this spell on someone...

i wanna cast this spell on the "someone",

"the person who i offend
who i also misunderstand
the wish of my heart
wants u to listen to my heart"

i am sorry...

lame me....

who on earth will believe that i bought a pda, but i donot kno how to use google search!!??

hahaha.... how funny it sounds, but i tell u, it's true!!

if u still donot believe in me, u can ask lim shin ying!! go on and ask her!!

she searched all the info for me! and i did not know how to search even!!!

slow heat person...

i never admit that i am slow heat person, but today, i have to admit it! though i hate to be an slow heat person!

hmmmm....

these few days i am quite happy. workload is reducing, freetime is getting more. but only 1 thing i donot really like about, which is pong pong stays with me. why? because my brother is in china now. he goes there for his honey moon trip. sigh.... i have to look after for their daughter! pity me, now pong pong listens only to me! oh my god! i worry when my brother comes back, pong pong forgets him already!! hahaha....

one bad things, i have nose allergy, then every night after playing with her, i will have running nose!! the second morning still continue!! until afternoon, only recover, then after that, suffer again!! oh my god!!

yay!! one happiest thing, is, my brother is coming back tomorrow!! thank god!!